Five weeks in - Facing the mental giant and the solo run

This weekend I wrapped up the first five weeks of training for Lincoln. Despite all the crazy weather (ice and lots of rain and cold) I have been able to complete all of my training runs, and complete them successfully. Success means different things for different people. Right now, for me, success is running strong and finishing with a good feeling about the run. I am not running for any certain finish time or trying to maintain a particular pace. I just go out and let the day determine itself. Usually when I do that, I have a great run.

Running has always been very mental for me. My blog over the last few years speaks about that a lot with all of my ups and downs. I am not as fast as I have been at previous points in my running, but I am content with just running. I do like being faster and having fast goals, but I usually end up putting too much pressure on myself and the fun completely goes away. I get nervous, stressed, and never find a way to enjoy the moments. The mental aspect of it all overtakes the run and the whole experience changes. So I'm running just for fun, while still working hard, but to try to keep the mental blocks out and the fun in.

With running being very mental for me, solo runs are often tough. Most runners are social and love having running partners to train alongside for accountability, company, and that extra push when needed. I am no different. I had a stressful ending to last week, and when I get down about something, I tend to withdraw and remove myself from social encounters. That is how I process. The usual Saturday crew was going to be combining their long run with a local 5k that a friend of ours was directing. My plan was to work all of that into my 14, however, I made a last minute decision to scratch that plan and do my 14 alone. When I opt for a solo run, especially on something long, it's really needed (and extremely rare!). I plugged up to my iPod and went for it. It was one of those days when everything clicked. I started slow, ended fast, and recorded negative splits on all but two miles. It was a beautiful morning, and I allowed myself to get lost in the run. I didn't think about what was on my mind, and by doing that, all that was on my mind felt better at the end of the 14 miles. It was just what I needed.I finished strong and feeling great about my run.

I don't know what the next 11 weeks will hold for training, but my plan will continue to consist of fun, social miles with friends with the occasional solo run to blow off some steam and to keep the mental cobwebs at bay. It's supposed to be fun, so why make it otherwise!

#Lincoln26pt2

Back to blogging...Back to Running...

I'm not even sure why I have a blog since I find myself NEVER writing! Well, I guess one reason I stopped writing was because I wasn't running as much, and my blog is titled Dawn Will Run! I've just not been feeling the running bug for quite a while, but I think that maybe it is back...

After the "100 miles in July" challenge, I slacked, again, big time. I was still working out a good bit, but only running 15-20 miles or so a week. That was perfectly fine with me. I learned a hard lesson about finding contentment in what kind of training you like to do. Long story short, but during this time when I wasn't feeling the running bug, I finally learned to be content! I think it is really what brought me back to enjoying it again. There was a time when I didn't think I would ever run another marathon. And well, what do you know, I am signed up to run one in May.

At the end of year, I started running a bit more, and I give a good friend credit for some of that. These weekend group long runs began being organized by this friend, and I really started enjoying them. Even though I'm slower now and couldn't always keep up, having the accountability and the social aspect of getting out there and getting started with the group was a lot of fun.

So, fast forward to New Year's Eve. I'm texting with a close friend in Nebraska who had said a while back that we should run a race together this year. She texted me that day and suggested the Lincoln Half Marathon/Marathon. I said, ok! She said, half or full? I said, you make the call! She called full! We both agreed to be on our computers when registration opened at midnight on January 1. Apparently this is a super popular race and fills up quickly! We both signed up, and just 11 hours and 35 minutes later, registration closed at 12,000 runners! I love Lincoln, Nebraska as much as the next guy, but I have no idea why this race is so popular! Maybe it's the 50 yard line finish in Memorial Stadium? Either way, it excites me because it must be a special race.

So, 100 miles in July?! Whatever, I ran 115 in January! I'm back in my comfort zone of running and running lots of miles. Well, maybe subtract one of those runnings as I'm not going to get up quite as high on the weekly stuff as I have before, but I am back to 30-40 mile weeks.

My friend and I are training together, but from afar. She is in Northwest Nebraska, and I am in South Mississippi. We text and email about our training and provide encouragement to each other when we need it. This will be her first full, and I couldn't be more excited for her! This will be my 13th. Lucky 13. I've been waiting a long time to be excited about lucky #13.

Keep reading for more on this experience for my friend and I!

100 Miles in July

At the end of June I decided to accept a challenge to run 100 miles during the month of July. To hardcore marathon runners this is a normal number, if not a bit lower than usual mileage, particularly when training.  However, if you have read my blog for the last year to year and a half, you know I have not been the mileage junkie I used to be. So this was the perfect challenge for me to accept.  I was ready!

The idea came from my good friend and co-worker Jenny (Jenny Bou) who ran her first half marathon earlier this year and has made consistent progress in all aspects of her training. She thought up this challenge as a way to better her running and hold herself accountable to increasing her mileage. A couple others jumped on board so we had a little #100milesinJuly challenge team that would provide extra encouragement, motivation, and accountability. Even though I was in and ready to go, I was still a bit unsure I would actually do it at first, especially the first weekend in July when I got sick and missed two or three days of running, but I kept going and said, "if I get it, great, if not, that's ok too." So I kept running, and the mileage started adding up. Some days the run was pretty bad because my legs have not been used to this much of an increase in mileage in quite some time, but the legs began to respond and remember what lots of miles felt like. And they started to like it.

I had a set-back about midway through the month. In addition to running I do quite a bit of cross training, and this year took on strength and conditioning work in addition to my cycling (and teaching indoor cycling). The cycling has usually been enough to give me dead legs every now and then, but adding in squats, lunges, dead lifts, sprints, etc., well, you can image the soreness. Jenny and I were talking how these workouts made our challenge that much more difficult due to the amount of training we do outside of running that not only throws in fatigue and soreness but also takes up time when we could run.  In our conversation we said, "well, not only do we have runs, we have guns! Runs and guns!" From that #runsandguns was born. We both love our strength and conditioning cross training so the super early morning runs we squeeze in before a workout and the heavy legs are definitely worth it! Anyway, these workouts also include jump ropes, and I have never had much success with that skill. One morning we had to do a lot of jumping rope, and, long story short, I had a breakthrough. Not only was I able to jump rope pretty much the entire workout, I also was able to throw in a couple of double-unders! That's a BIG deal!  But that breakthrough gave me incredibly sore calves, like to the point I had significant trouble walking, so I missed a Saturday long run and the next two days were pretty pitiful. I pushed through, and the next week I was able to get almost 40 miles, which is really what helped push me to the finish line.

It was fitting that I ran my last 2 miles last night with Jenny (and her husband Brad who also did the challenge). It was perfect to finish with the one who started it all. It's a great feeling to have achieved 102 miles in July alongside some great running friends who helped push me to the goal. I overcame a lot of days when I didn't want to run or thought I was too tired. Since the injury, running has been less than exciting for me and getting motivated has been a struggle at times, but this challenge was what I needed to get my mojo back. I plan on continuing with 100 mile months, and I think this just might be the spark plug to get me ready for marathon training this fall.

I can't end this 100 mile challenge without giving some credit to a few folks. First, my main running partner and one of my closest friends, Vicki, who has trudged through mile after mile with me over the last eight years of running. She has been there through lots of marathons and has seen me succeed and fail all while being my biggest cheerleader (and making me laugh a ton). I owe a lot to her. Again when I needed her she muddied through the rough days of this challenge with me without once getting annoyed. She's a trooper! Then there is Thu, one of my indoor cycling participants, who is always eager to get up at 5 a.m. to run! She's nuts, but a great friend that's always ready and willing to run and does it with a positive attitude and a smile on her face. She has now become one of my running partners and a good one at that! Last but not least is Jenny, who is now more than my co-worker, she's an awesome friend. I have seen her transform herself through hard work and discipline, and now I'm seeing her do the same thing with her running. She encourages and keeps me motivated, and without this challenge, I would have had another less than stellar month of running. I'm grateful to her for this push, and I hope to have many more with her as we add up the miles on our journeys!
#runsandguns #100milesinJuly

The official 100 mile photo! #runsandguns

The training logs

Proof!

Shiner G.A.S.P.

 

Over the weekend I completed my first century ride, going from Austin to Shiner, TX in the Greater Austin to Shiner Pedal (G.A.S.P.). It was amazing, fun, difficult, and painful. All the things you want an endurance event to be!

 

Months ago, maybe even before Christmas, I started bugging a few others who bike about doing this. I was surprised when several expressed interested, and in the end five of us registered. So back in January/February we started with big training plans. Come April, my training slacked! Of myself, I discovered that I'm not as in love with biking as I once thought I would be. Anyway, I was registered, and I was going, ready or not.

 

Thursday afternoon, Vicki and I loaded my Honda with all of our stuff (who knew one tiny woman like Vicki and I could have so much!), and hit the road. My used bike rack was holding on to our bikes with all it had, and I certainly watched it like a hawk from my rear view mirror. After 10 or so hours, lots of laughs, and the inevitable Mexican food stop, we arrived to Lucas' (Vicki's son) apartment in Austin. They were out of town, so we unloaded, settled in, and crashed hard for the night. I was so proud of us and our ability to follow-through with our plans to get up for a Friday morning run in Zilker Park. It was amazing to run in a city that embraces fitness like Austin. I love Austin as it is, but this run made me fall in love even more. After the run, we did a quick Versus workout (that I had missed on Thursday), and headed for a breakfast taco, Mexican meal #2! My diet was already blown!

 This was a view from one of the spots on the trail in Zilker Park that circled Town Lake. Amazing!

This is the trail. LOVED it!

 

Shortly after the run and a shower, we met James, Charles and Jason at Jack and Adams Bike Shop to pick up our race stuff. This was a really cool bike shop with some cool folks working there. The crew was happy because beer was on tap! The newbie centurions, myself, Vicki and Jason, purchased the official G.A.S.P. jersey, and I elected to wear mine for the ride the next day. We walked down to another bike shop, then ended up driving over to Mellow Johnny's, the bike shop made famous by Lance Armstrong. After piddling around a while, it was lunch time, so we headed over to Shady Grove, one of my favorite spots in Austin.

 

James, Vicki and I then ended up on South Congress where we spent a few hours shooting the breeze at the Continental Club, which has been a popular Austin spot since the 50's. We had a good time there...  After that, we took James home, and headed home ourselves to prep for the race and rest!

Ride morning came early, but we caffeined up, loaded the bikes, and headed over to the start. It was chilly, but proved to be a beautiful day! I had never done a mass start before, over 1,000 riders, so I was a little nervous, although excited about it. It was very cool to look ahead and see all the colorful jerseys and bikes! With the sun to our left, we were off. Feeling good and getting warm, the nerves dissipated, and I settled in to ride. We arrived at the first rest stop at mile 17. It was almost like a party, there were so many people there! We grabbed some snacks, from peanuts to powdered donuts, and then got back on the road. We decided to stop at each rest area because why be in a rush? It proved to provide me with some rest to keep me going a little longer. We had some pretty serious winds and some definite serious hills, but the scenery was amazing. Very Texas, and I took it all in. After the second stop, I lost Vicki, but decided to meet her at the rest stops, which is what we did for the rest of the ride.

 Donuts!

 

Rest stop 3, mile 45!

 

It started getting real in the second half. I was doing well actually, but with about 30 miles to go, I starting fading. Which is expected as I had only done limited rides at that distance during my training. I was pleased with how well I felt, and how long I kept it together though. At about mile 83, we passed over I-10, and a sign read "Shiner 19." I was happy to be in the home stretch, but also thinking, "crap, I have 19 more miles!" Of course these were the hilliest and hardest miles of them all. I lost close to a mile per hour of speed, and I think I was talking out loud to myself, possibly even cursing. Hey, whatever it takes.

 

Finally I saw the sign that sign Shiner City Limits, and I think I might have started crying. We turned into the Spoetzl Brewery, and I was DONE! I immediately got off my bike, but I was a little out of it and didn't know what to do. I retrieved my checked bag, and ended up seeing the guys. After a few minutes to collect myself, Charles graciously took my bike to load, and they pointed me in the direction of the shower. They waited on Vicki, then shortly after my shower, we were all reunited for some food and beer!

 

Like any endurance event, we took pictures and told war stories at the finish. That's always my favorite part of it all I think! The celebration is always worth the battle. We battled hills, wind, fatigue, and distance to get to the reward. The bus ride home was also an adventure. It was quite a rowdy crew who somehow convinced the driver to stop for more beer! We arrived in Austin, unloaded our bikes and all met back up for Mexican meal #3, this time with Lucas and Kari. I slept like a rock that night, and awoke early again on Sunday, this time to load the bikes once more for the ride home.

 

 

Shiner G.A.S.P. was amazing, and I loved the time in Austin. I happily put away my bike Sunday evening when I got home. It is in retirement for a few days, and I'm not sure when it comes back out what its purpose will be. As of now, no centuries in the plans, but I never say never!

The beast awakens...

In my pursuit of reinvention, I have changed up many things in my routine. My running has changed due to the bike ride coming up in a few weeks, meaning, no Saturday long runs right now and getting in a run when I can. I guess my running several days in a row here and there is what woke up the beast. No, not what you are thinking. I'm not on fire and blazing a trail of speed and mid-week long runs. I'm talking about the now infamous injury of 2011-12. Yes it has returned, but fortunately, not in the severity of its first appearance.

I first noticed it about 2 weeks ago as a nagging tightness in that area. I've been a foam rolling fool for a few weeks now, and so I upped the foolishness to help keep it at bay. I guess this injury does not care about the foam roller because by Thursday of last week, the pain and tightness had increased. I pushed through a 6 mile run on Thursday, which was probably stupid. It didn't bother me too much at the beginning of that run, but by the last 2 miles, I was grimacing with each step. At my Versus workout Thursday evening, the warm-up 400 was excruciating. At the first step it felt like there was a reign on my right hamstring that got yanked each time I extended my leg. I literally limped through that lap. Luckily the rest of the workout had no more running. A good thing is that it does not hurt doing what we do in the Versus workouts or my indoor cycling classes, which is another sign it is not as severe as its first occurrence when I could do NOTHING for a few weeks. .

At the temporary office (thanks tornado), we have these chairs that even though they are upholstered and not too uncomfortable, it feels like I am sitting on a brick causing the area to ache and throb almost non-stop. So while at work I heated, walked around, stretched, and repeated all day long Thursday and Friday. I rested two days over the weekend, and I mean, I did absolutely nothing. It was feeling much better by Monday so I was back at it with cycling. I cut my Tuesday run back to 4 miles, but I felt it the entire time, While it wasn't grimacing pain, it was ever-present. At Tuesday night's Versus workout, we had about a mile and a half of running, but I was happy to notice it wasn't as bad as the morning run. I did try to stretch and massage it during the day so that it would be as loose as possible. After my shower and dinner, I hit the foam roller again for a good hour probably. That is one way to make your dog wonder what the crap you're doing!

Today, it's hard to say how it is. I taught cycling this morning and it was fine, although tight. Sitting on this chair right now it hurts so I will continue my routine of stretching it out and walking around while at work and return to the foam roller roller and heating pad tonight. I need to put this beast back to bed! I have big plans!

On a much more positive note, I am dropping weight. My efforts to better my diet, while not 100% clean, have been paying off. Clothes are fitting better and looser. I didn't weigh at the start of my diet change so I won't have a true starting weight, but I did weigh once last week . I will try to remind myself to weigh Friday when I go in to teach my morning cycling class and get a new number. I'm loving these changes and the new workouts! All part of the reinvention and all good!

Reinventing Myself

Following the great debacle that was the Houston marathon, I almost completely stopped running. I might get 10 miles in during the week. I had fallen out of love with running. The infamous injury of 2011 left me flat, and I almost didn't want to put forth the energy to get back into run shape. After forcing myself to do try and limping through Houston, I was done. Many Saturday mornings were spent in my cozy bed and not on the pavement. And did I care? Nope! It was not a bad feeling!

This last year has taught me something. I realized I don't have to feel guilty or like a slacker for doing things differently. I started biking more as a group of us have signed up for the Shiner G.A.S.P. century ride that travels from Austin to Shiner, Texas. I've logged quite a few long rides, but no major run mileage. I am learning to have fun with my training and try new things. I've also started a Versus Strength and Conditioning Athletic Training class in the afternoons. The group meets on Tuesday and Thursday in Petal. So far, I've only been going on Thursday due to my indoor cycling teaching schedule, but next week that changes. My class schedule has been adjusted so that my Tuesdays are free. I've really enjoyed this and am enjoying the positive changes I am seeing from this new type of workout.

In the last couple of months I have begun to slowly rebuild my run mileage. This time it's on my terms and not those of the marathon or peer pressure (it's me who pressures based on what others are doing). I'm slower than I used to be, and not the queen of the long run either, but I'm having fun. My friend Jenny, who recently completed her first half marathon, and I have been adding in some extra runs to our current schedules by going on a few runs during lunch. We both want to up our weekly mileage so a day or so here and there of running at lunch helps us both. The days here aren't so warm yet, and our temporary location (thanks to the Feb. 10 tornado's destruction to my office building on campus) allows for some great places to run. I have enjoyed running with her and seeing her runs improve, and it helps me to be more motivated and push a little harder again.

I have no goals, no races, no anything in mind when it comes to running. I'm doing it strictly for fun right now. Maybe I'll do another marathon, maybe not. I do know that I am riding my first century ride in May, and I'm going to get in great physical condition through Versus. Those are my goals, those are my plans, and everything else is just icing on the cake. Cake that I am not eating, by the way, because I'm also paying a lot more attention to my diet.

So, it really is a small reinvention of myself. For so long I have been defined by the run only. One day, I do hope to be back to a strong, faster runner again, but I'm not putting any pressure on myself or spending too much time focusing on it. It will happen when I'm ready for it to happen. Until then, more kettle bell swing, burpees, push-ups, bike miles, lunchtime runs, and a guilt free Saturday morning of late sleeping here and there.

I'm 40...

Saturday I turned 40. I am not sure what I expected, but when I look in the mirror, I look the same. I didn't suddenly wake up all stiff (well stiffer than normal) and not able to stand up straight. Do I see 40 when I look in the mirror? Honestly, no, I don't. Am I ready for 40? Part of me isn't ready for this new decade and how 'old' it sounds. I know 40 is not old because I am not old. I don't look 40, I don't feel 40, and although I'm mature, I don't act 40. So what is so tough about it?

I unexpectedly started celebrating my birthday last Wednesday. I teach 3 indoor cycling classes a week, and I'm pretty close with most of those in my morning class. They thought they would surprise me with a room decked out with black balloons, a happy 40th birthday banner, and streamers made up of the number 40. Oh, and signs on the door of the cycling room. Now, I like to think I'm good with surprises, but really, I'm just ok with them, and in the morning at 5:30, I'd say I'm pretty bad at them. My initial reaction to this was less than positive. Of course, I loosened up, woke up, and had a great time. They also surprised me with a goody bag of some of my favorite snacks, and an iTunes gift card since my music is a huge part of my class. It was a really fun and sweet surprise, and a great way to kick off the 'celebration.' 

My gals at work celebrated my birthday eve with me on Friday by treating me to lunch at one of my favorite places, Jutama's, which serves delicious Thai food. And I also received some really sweet gifts from them. 

The actual day of my birthday was very quiet. I had brunch at Southbound Bagel with one of my oldest running friends. We spent some time chatting and catching up, and I filled her in on the events of the Houston marathon. I would share a picture from this lunch, but the one I'd want to share, she wouldn't let me take. I relaxed part of the day,then closed it out with my mom, niece, nephew, and his girlfriend at the Southern Miss basketball game, which we won. I had to work a few hours on Sunday at an expo, but was able to spend the rest of the evening with a close friend watching movies and eating pizza. 

Monday we gathered at mom and dad's for the big family birthday bash. Dinner would be at 5, but I went on over early to spend time with whoever was at their house. The highlight of the afternoon was shooting a gun for the first time. This is odd for me since I have grown up around guns with hunters (tons of them), a dad retired from law enforcement, and a brother currently working in law enforcement. My oldest nephew talked me into going out to shoot. It was fun and scary all at the same time. My ears still aren't normal, but I am actually excited about going to do it again soon, with earplugs this time. The crowd began to gather and included my mom, dad, sister, 3 nephews, one niece, one niece-n-law, a great niece, a nephew's girlfriend, my niece's boyfriend, and I had a friend there also. We had a great meal, great laughs, lots of stories, even more picking on me, and my favorite, cake. It was the perfect day to celebrate with my family, and I loved it. 

Birthdays can be fun, but we have never been the type of family to blow a birthday out. I am not a big fan of being the center of attention so I am kind of glad it is all over. I guess now I won't have to worry about a tough birthday again until 50? Just saying that was hard... But, like I've always heard, growing older is better than the alternative. 

I do have one more thing to do this week that I am considering part of the birthday fun. Tomorrow night I am seeing Willie Nelson with a few friends. I am not crazy about country music, but I do prefer the older stuff so this should be fun. I mean, Willie is a legend! I will post pics in my next blog of this great adventure!

Oh, and I started back running today after a week and a day or two off. I am enjoying the rest and the relaxed running mentality a LOT! But it's good to be back on the road! 

Not that all this birthday stuff is over, and I am settling into my new age and new decade, this is what I know. 

I'm 40. I'm a runner. I'm a cyclist. I'm a sports fan. And I'm fabulous! 

Houston Marathon Race Report

I haven't been in a hurry to write this race report post as I have been pretty conflicted about how I feel about the marathon and a bit less than excited about this one. I should strive to find the positives in all things, even something like this that honestly was not that enjoyable of an experience.  You will understand in my report below.

That was probably the hardest one I've done strictly because I wasn't as ready and the weather was beyond terrible for an hour or so.I started out trying to stick to the plan, which was to walk one minute at the end of each mile, but the wind and rain were so brutal, I was having trouble focusing. Everything seemed so chaotic in the midst of the rain and driving wind, which was blowing the rain sideways in sheets into the left side of my body. My HR strap came loose in the first couple of miles so I had to get that all fixed back, then at some point, I lost TWO of my gels! I had them in my race belt, and I guess they weren't secure and just slipped out. After the first round of rain stopped, after 20-30 minutes from the start of the race, I calmed down and just tried to regroup. I was cold. I was soaking wet. My gloves were soaked so I got rid of them. I had on arm sleeves that helped even though they too were soaked, and I had made a last minute decision to put on capri tights instead of shorts. I’m glad I did because it helped shield some of the wind, but my clothes stayed wet for about 4 hours. The rain came back around mile 6 I think, and it was really hard with huge drops. I would say by mile 8 or 9, it stopped for good. Someone in the crowd even said that the radar was clear. So I regrouped again, fought off the urge to turn around with the half, and tried to get back on the plan. I made it to the half, but I started struggling. My legs were hurting. I took a moment to stop and stretch, then I threw in an extra short walk or two. To try to compensate for fewer gels, I drank Gatorade more than I normally would. Of course they were handing out gels like after mile 20 so I passed on those at that point, and I avoided any food being handed out by spectators. I was doing all I could to save my run. By miles 20-22, I was pretty much done. I hurt really bad, and it was going to take sheer will to get me to the finish. I would run as long as I could making deals with myself that I could walk if I made to the mile kite or this block or whatever, or I would walk when the pain got really bad. Of course starting back was awful, and each time I moved slower and slower, including walking. When I hit 25, I wanted to tried to run the rest of the way in, but I couldn't  The tailwind (which was at least 30 mph) was making it difficult to not fall forward. I simply didn't have the legs to keep up with how hard it was pushing me! I bet no one has ever wished for a tailwind to go away, but I did. I saw the banner for the last ½ mile, and I forced myself to keep running (trotting, limping, whatever it was I was doing) to the finish. I made it and when I stopped, I wanted to lie down in the road. 

Moving through the finish area was really tough. I found it extremely difficult to walk. In these larger races, finish areas are big, and it's a maze almost that you have to go through to escape. I got out of that area, found my mom, and then parked it in the middle of the floor before I collapsed. Once I gathered my wits and felt better, it was time to get out of there so I could get warm and fed. Because we had come in hours earlier in the rain and darkness, we, along with many others, had a lot of trouble finding my car. I walked a LOT doing that, which really helped the soreness, but it prolonged my getting food and the recovery I needed. That night, don’t think I didn't TEAR UP a hamburger. It might be the best one I've ever had. After that it was a restful night in the bed watching the Golden Globes and reading all the fun text messages and FB posts from my friends. 

This one has taken a bit longer to recover from, but that’s not surprising. Right now, thoughts of another marathon are not appealing, but I'm sure that will change. I was not completely ready for this race, and I know that going into it. A couple of illnesses did not help my training, and of course, the weather was the worst I've ever run in before. I knew to expect it to be painful, long, slow and mentally challenging. It lived up to ALL of those expectations. :)  The positives are that I overcame. I overcame a tough injury that knocked me out of training completely. I overcame the fact that I wasn't as ready as I usually am or wanted to be. I overcame the weather. I overcame a huge mental battle that endured pretty much the entire race and even the morning before it started. Of those things, I am very pleased. This one wasn't about how fast or slow. 

I'm feeling good today and plan to be back to running in the next week or so. I am looking forward to jumping on my bike to train for my first century ride in May at G.A.S.P, from Austin to Shiner, TX. 

Number 12 in the books!

Taken immediately at the finish. I was pretending to feel good, 

but the smile completely conveys how happy I was it was over. 

It's been a while...

Ok, so it's been more than a little while, it's been nearly a year! In a nutshell, 2012 wasn't the greatest of years. The year started out getting over my injury, which turned into a mental injury. As I returned to running during the first five months of the year, I questioned my heart and desire for it. That's a tough pill to swallow, especially when running is melted into every area of my life. As the year moved forward, I sort of bounced back. I used my deferral for Houston's registration in May and started working with my coach again in June. Was I back? Physically yes, mentally, not as much. That was the theme for the year too. As a result of the injury, my run fitness suffered dramatically, which caused my mental fitness to suffer. If I couldn't run like I did when I got hurt, did I want to run? Did I want to run even if I did bounce back? I continued running, hitting and missing some days. I knew deep down I didn't want to quit.

So here I am. Houston is Sunday. After nearly two years I will be back to the marathons My 12th. And possibly one of my worst. I'm ok with it. I've accepted that it is what it is. My training wasn't spot on. My endurance isn't what it should be. My fitness is relative to what I put into the last few months. I will finish the 26.2 miles, but it will involve much slower paces and some walking. Saying all of that, I am kind of excited. The pressure is completely off. My expectations are low, which for a mental runner like me, is running gold. I will have fun regardless of the outcome. What a painful way to have fun!

2012 had its share of personal heartaches and struggles, but I'm positive that 2013 is going to be my year. You see, I turn 40 in a little less than two weeks. Yes, 40. I won't lie, it freaks me out a little. My life is nothing like I would have thought by this point, but I really wouldn't change anything about it. Saying that, I almost feel as if 40 is a new start in life for me. It's an empowering feeling that I am choosing over one of feeling 'over the hill.' I have new training and fitness goals for this year. I will aim to run another marathon in the fall. I will also complete my first century ride from Austin to Shiner, TX! I'm really PUMPED about that. It's something new and fun for me!

I'm also going to blog more. I spared whoever reads this of any mopey, whiney posts during the year I want to forever forget so with a positive year on the front, I am going to spread the blog cheer!  I will do my best to write a positive post about Houston. Ha! :)

Happy new year and happy running!

Pieces of the Puzzle

I guess my return to running like my old self is like a puzzle. I need to put the puzzle together one piece at a time. I am now consistently running my old schedule of Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday which is a definite positive step. While being consistent, I'm also working on building back my endurance and surprisingly that hasn't suffered as much as everything else. Last weekend, I was really only supposed to do 5, but I ran with a couple of friends and ended up running 7. I ran 8 several weekends ago, but the pace of this 7 was faster so I got a little tired near the end. All in all, it was great though. The best part is the next day I ran a very solid 4 with some of my fastest miles since the injury. My legs felt really good after the previous day's 7. Positives.

This kind of talk still shocks me. It's now been a little over 3 months since I was talking about 12 milers before work and checking off 45 mile weeks. Now I'm happy when I can run 7, or get 15 miles in a week. I've mentioned many times that this has been an ordeal, but it's also been an emotional roller coaster. Running has been a huge part of my life for 10 years and has been a part of many positive changes in me as well. It was suddenly completely stripped away from me. Not only was running stripped away, but being able to do any type of exercise was as well for a few weeks. I was very upset because I lost distance, pace, a marathon, running partners and you name it. It was some of the toughest emotions I had to battle over something so simple, and I felt alone.

2011 did not end on a high note and 2012 did not start on a high note. But I feel completely confident that 2012 will only get better from here. This year hasn't just been about the injury, there have been other difficult things going on in the rest of my life too. I took a step back and evaluated and thought about my roots. I grew up in church, and I actually didn't miss a Sunday until I was in the 9th grade. I became a Christian when I was 12. In college, I grew closer to Jesus than I had ever been in my life. I went to Him for everything. I had the strongest Christian friends, and it was all so amazing. I was able to spend 2 1/2 months one summer as a summer missionary in Montana, and I fully believe I grew up that summer. It changed my life. I have been able to participate in many mission trips and those can really take you to the highest spiritual mountaintop. Life, however, can bring you down so quickly. Since college and life in my 20's, I have had my ups and downs with my faith and my growth, as most Christians do. But it seems that I have had more valleys than mountaintops for the last 2-3 years. God never promised us that life would be easy and that just because we know Him, that wouldn't change. What He did promise us is that knowing Him would give us a place to go when things are good, bad, hectic, scary, and whatever else. He promised us love, joy, peace, comfort, and that He would always be there, we just have to go to Him. And He promised us heaven! As humans,we (me) tend to go to Him only when it's a tough time. And sometimes we (me) feel like we can handle it ourselves. Well we (I) can't.

I don't believe I have put running and exercise on a pedestal over other things in my life. In fact, I wasn't nearly as disciplined with my fitness as I could have been. So this injury wasn't to take away something I put over other things in my life, it was to bring me to my knees before Jesus to trust Him and only Him in all situations. Along with this injury, there were other things that changed in my life that took me to my knees. There has never been a moment in my life where I haven't been in church, prayed, and had a relationship with God. The problem has been that I haven't been consistent. There are periods when I am totally in tune with Him, then I try to take over control when things feel better. Each time, He brings me back to Him. Perhaps he really felt I needed a big jolt this time! It's just like the pieces of the puzzle I mentioned regarding running. There are pieces of the puzzle with our relationship with God too. They all have a purpose, and they all bring this peace to my life that is unexplainable. I'm going to keep working on this puzzle too.

Back to the Basics

The recovery story continues. I'm still making my way back to running and training. While I wouldn't call what I am doing now "training", it is still training. What I am actually doing is training to get back to training. I have gone back to basic running to get my endurance back so that I can start working on increasing my fitness.

I have only been running with a heart rate monitor for 6 or so months, and not long after I got it, my coach and I established some training zones. We used those some while training for Houston, to make me push it a little more or not push it too much. I am now using my HR strictly to keep from overdoing it. My runs are all listed as easy, but really they aren't as easy as I would like! I'm keeping my HR under a certain number, and I can definitely feel when it starts creeping up. I like having a number or some kind of data to follow to keep myself in check. What I don't like is how high my HR is at some of these paces I'm running. It's a very different feel for me. However, I trust what I am doing and that it will help me to return to my old stuff safely. For weeks I was spinning my wheels, trying to do too much too fast, only to find myself taking steps backward instead of forward. I feel like now I'm on a path to move forward and stay moving forward.

I'm approaching 3 months of this whole ordeal. I count the positives as much as possible to keep from dwelling on the negatives. That is hard to do, let me tell you. I want to be running 12 miles for fun on the weekends. I want to be with my crew having fun, reveling in the paces, and sharing stories. I didn't expect things to change so much or to feel so alone and left out because of something as silly as running. But running isn't silly to me, never has been, because it has made such a huge, life changing, impact on my life. That is when I try to turn my focus to the positives. In 11 marathons and almost 10 years of running, I have been healthy and just now had an injury of this nature. I'm also not hurting anymore when I run, at least because of the injury. :) And the one I have to REALLY focus on is I will be back to my old self. It won't be as quick as I wanted, but I will be back. I never expected this to last so long or to be so difficult to get over, but it is what it is and that I can't change. There is something I can do about it though, and that is what I am doing now.

I have only run the miles this so far year that I would normally do in a 2-3 weeks, and I might not be able to do a marathon this year. There are a lot of unknowns right now. I am running again though and that is progress. I have a lot of miles still left in these legs and this body, and I will achieve my goals.

Success of a Different Kind

First things first, I passed! I got the long awaited email today that I passed my comprehensive exam for graduate school. I had expressed to several that I was honestly worried about one section, but at this point, it was in God's hands. Several of my fellow classmates and I joked that all we could do is pray for mercy as our professors graded! And pray we did! In fact, before we started our exam that morning, all 12 of us formed a circle, held hands and prayed. God was on my side as I was able to remember what I need to in order to pass. I'm happy to have this behind me, and now I can finish my last class without worry and GRADUATE in May!

Ok, now to the running. Alec Baldwin says it for me. I'm frustrated. What's new you might ask? Well, in fact, nothing. I have had some progress, but I am still having a good bit of trouble moving forward without aggravation. Maybe I'm overdoing it, maybe I'm not doing enough. I have some aches and pains I never have, and I simply know that it is all because of the amount of time I was off. I don't remember starting to run for the first time years ago being this difficult. These aches and pains are what is holding me back. I'm SO READY to move forward and get this all behind me forever. I'm ready to meet up with my friends to go run 12 or so miles. I'm ready to do tempo runs and speed work (shocking I know)! I'm ready to put a race on my calendar and prepare for it. I'm debating on taking a few days off to get over a few of these aches and pains before they turn into yet another injury. And to also give my mind a break as it worries a lot about this training. I'm also going to trust. Trust that this is just one small blip on the radar and that I will overcome.

For today, I'm going to bask in the glory that is the passing of my comps and my upcoming graduation in May. This feeling is enough for now.

A Little Something in My Log Book

This week's mantra - I will have a successful run. I repeated this to myself a few times as a method to encourage me to get out there on a regular schedule and try. The last few weeks started pretty well only to fall apart in the latter part of the week. So this week was to be a new direction for me.

I am happy to report it has worked so far! I ran Sunday (not a great one), Tuesday (better) and Thursday (best run since injury). I kept to my typical schedule that coach and I sorted out last year which is spin on Monday, run on Tuesday, spin on Wednesday, run on Thursday, rest on Friday, run Saturday (long) and recovery run on Sunday. I still have two days left in this week's cycle, but I feel good about finishing. I think this is what I need to push my over that final hump and get me back to normal.

I noted that Thursday's run was my best since the injury. I've said that before, and I'm sure I'll say it again a few more times while on this journey back. But it was. My legs felt like they had some bounce in them, I wasn't as sore and I didn't feel any tugging in my injury. And I ran about 30 seconds per mile faster with no walk breaks. I've mentioned that I'm slower right now. I've been running 1 1/2 to 2 minutes slower per mile, but this run was only about 1 to 1 1/2 minutes slower. I'm having to run slow for a few reasons, one being I've lost fitness and another being I've been hurting. That's why I feel that getting back on a consistent schedule will help me push through some of that instead of letting it stop me. I have had to take it slow at times, resting a bit extra here and there for fear of re-injury, but I think I'm at a point where I can push forward. Fingers crossed!

And there is a rumor I might hear about comps soon. Another rumor is that so far, no news is good news.

I know whoever reads this does not want to read another post about my injury. I apologize in advance for today. But you see, this is in fact a blog primarily about my running, hence the title Dawn Will Run. And since for the last couple of months my running has consisted of this injury, and I haven't been able to train as I normally do, I haven't had a lot of running to talk about except for my continued attempts to return to normal training.

For a while, when I wasn't posting, I was having a super hard time dealing with the injury and the fact that I was not going to be able to run my goal race in Houston. I didn't feel much like writing. I wrote previously that with my racing season over, I am happy to have no pressure on me to return to normal training by a certain date. I can take my time, return as I am able, and that is a great feeling. However, I'm going to admit to struggling with all of this still. I want to run, miss running with my friends and even miss those early Saturday morning long runs. Currently, my running is sparse, very slow and sometimes lonely. It consists of constantly thinking and worrying about my injury, if it hurts or will it start hurting. That makes running almost seems like a chore. So the days when I feel like my injury is sore or something else is sore (which happens a lot now), I am almost relieved.

I feel that playing is safe is absolutely the smartest thing to do because it's not too far off in the past that I was in intense pain barely able to walk for about two weeks. I haven't run since Tuesday of this week, and I honestly haven't felt like I should try due to some of the aches I've had. The problem is I struggle with enjoying the gym and finding alternatives to running. There is nothing like the feel of a good, pain/worry free run, and I so miss that feeling. Today is the third day straight of complete rest, and I don't like that. I should be doing something else, but I'm struggling with what I want to do. I love my spin class and it's great cross training, but it's the plain gym work - treadmills, stationary bikes, elliptical trainers, etc - that I get so bored with.

On the flip side of this frustration, I admit to enjoying this rest a little. I loved being lazy and sleeping in today. And no I haven't done any exercise yet and not sure I will. I almost feel a little guilty for feeling that way. I know I'm all over the place. I say I miss running. Then I say I don't miss running. I like being lazy. I feel guilty for being lazy. That's why I'm writing today, to try to figure some of this out. The good points are that during this craziness, I have reeled my diet in and lost a few of the pounds I put on during the absence from running. I also massively cleaned my house today and rearranged my living room! I have quite a long list of things at my house to accomplish still!

So like each weekend, I will look to the start of the new week as the time when I finally get on a schedule of some sort. Let's hope tomorrow is the day. If not, I will look to the next week for that regularity to start. And I promise to go back to normal posts that include a lot of positive thoughts.

How to Avoid a Failure

I've posted before that the process of returning after my 6+plus weeks of injury is up and down. Tuesday I ran 5 miles, no walking, but slow and easy. My legs were a bit tired and stiff near the end, which in this situation I feel is normal, however I felt good overall. Yesterday morning's spin class was a solid, consistent hard effort, just like Monday. Both days I had completely full classes, which is amazing because the energy you can pull from a full class really fires up the adrenaline and those endorphins. I had been having some trouble in my class from losing some of my fitness, but these classes were better. I experienced some fatigue in the legs yesterday, but no pain. I was happy with how I felt overall.

I'm still very pleased to report that I am really feeling great as I continue to get back on the horse. From time to time, I feel a little extra fatigue or a TINY bit of discomfort where my injury was, and when it comes to feeling that discomfort, I put on the breaks. As yesterday wore on, I some tightness and started to feel some of that discomfort. While it does not affect my walking or my cycling, I definitely do not want to push it when it comes to running. Not only am I really not able to push too much, I certainly don't want to reinjure or set myself back even further. This morning, I was going to attempt another run, but I decided to ax it. I decided to avoid a failed run attempt that would only leave me more frustrated than not running would, and at the same time, keep me on a healthier path. Not only was I concerned about my health, I was really tired and the weather has been awful the last two days. It was a very balmy, foggy 61 degrees this morning at 5 a.m. That would not have made my effort any easier or enjoyable. It would have only added to the frustration and the intense feeling of failure. I feel that I made the right decision. I will attempt again after work today or tomorrow. It all depends on how I feel. That's how I make my running decisions lately - it all depends.

Comps. Are. Over.

Now the waiting begins. I spent nearly 6 hours taking my comps for grad school on Friday, and I feel good about all but one part. But it's over and now, I wait. And I'll wait for a few weeks before I learn my fate. Those who know me know I'll absolutely worry about it, but I'm also going to enjoy NOT studying. I'm in one class this semester that has zero exams. ZERO EXAMS! I will have some research and a couple of assignments all leading to one big final paper, but I can dig that. So for the next few weeks, I'll keep waiting and praying for grading mercies!

The return from injury is still ongoing. As I was telling my coach yesterday and my running partner today, it is literally up and down, day to day. I'm just taking it as it comes. Some days are good, and those days make me excited to go out the next time. But then some days are not so good, which make me nervous to try again. It's a similar cycle to when you're really training hard. Not every run is perfect, and those rough days can scratch the confidence often making the next run a bit nerve-wracking. On the flip side. one great run can get you really stoked to get back out there. I'm mostly just ready to find a little consistency and start filling my log book again.

My winter/spring marathon racing season is over, and I'm finally cool with that. I was forced to look at it positively, and one positive is that it takes away the urgency and the pressure to get back 100% by a certain time. Instead I can take it easy, take it as it comes, stay healthy and enjoy my comeback. It has probably been a blessing in disguise for that reason and a few others. Trying to force it and return too quickly could have easily landed me back injured and potentially worse than I was.

Saturday I had my best run since the injury on December 8. It was also my longest run at 5 miles. It wasn't a fast run, and because my legs and the area of my injury is really tight, I had to take a couple of breaks to stretch out my legs some, however, I consider it one of those good days. The kind I mentioned earlier that make me excited to get back out there. I'll give it another shot in the morning, and I'm hoping that it will be one of those back to back good days. The start of a streak perhaps. If not, I'll keep trying, taking it one run at a time. When one streak ends, it just means another streak can begin.

Life's Stresses

To just say that I am just stressed wouldn't do how stressed I really am any justice. If I were brave, I would post a video of my right eye twitching, which it has been doing for over 24 hours. So many things pop up into our adult lives, and it is sometimes hard to compartmentalize them and deal with them effectively. Right now I am facing several of these things. I find myself overwhelmed and all these things snowballing.

First, I take my comprehensive exams for graduate school on Friday. I have been very successful in my graduate program and am proud of my 3.96 GPA (would have a 4.0, no thanks to an A-). However, I suffer from test anxiety to a small degree. I get nervous about exams, midterms, finals, you name it, but I do ok because it's one class, one test, and I'm finished in an hour or so. But comps are different. I will have 6 hours of testing and all 6 of my required courses will be covered. I began preparation about 3-4 weeks ago by compiling notes and reading through them most every day. Some of this material hasn't been looked at in a year, and while I feel like I know the concepts, I find myself doubting what I know and if I really do know it. I am studying more intensively this week and just ready for it to all be over. Come Friday night, I will either be worn out or ready to celebrate. I won't celebrate officially for a few more weeks though, that's when I'll know if I passed or failed. I just tell myself to prepare the best I can, take the exam, and then the worst is over. I will be onward to May and graduation!

Second, my return to running is really frustrating. My injury is much better, and I've run a handful of miles here and there over the last 2 weeks. I find myself fatigued, naturally, but just not bouncing back as quick or as strong as I had hoped. I was off a while, so I figured this would be tough, but I was hoping to feel better quicker. This is the first week I'll be on a consistent schedule now that some traveling, work and sickness is behind me. So I'm hoping I can start turning the corner. Lately I feel like I take one step forward and two backward, and I don't feel like I am overdoing it which is what frustrates me the most. I'm focusing on taking it one day and one run at a time. I'm also really paying attention to my body, the injury and how I feel overall. I'm not used to being this weak, and it is an eye opener. I'm doing all the right things, so I just have to keep working, keep rehabing and try to stay positive.

Lastly, I have a few personal situations that are causing me significant additional stress. To quote my favorite band Coldplay, "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard." As I grow older, those words are so true. Life gets better with age, but it certainly doesn't get easier. I have enjoyed growing up, but I am finding life's decisions to be pretty intense. These are the moments where praying is easy, but listening to what He has to say is hardest. Sometimes when we pray for answers, we don't like what we get. What is the toughest is I usually have running to relieve some of the day to day worries, but I don't right now. I'm going to learn something from this, and God has plans and lessons in each of life's struggles. So I will keep listening, trusting and praying. It will pass, and I will be better for it when it's all over. And I'll find that the world didn't end in the process. But right now, I need a vacation!!!

Treadmill Love

I'm learning that the treadmill is my friend. We haven't always been close, but we are growing our relationship. Last Tuesday, I attempted to run outdoors, and it was not a successful attempt. I got nervous about trying to run again so I put if off all week. Saturday, out of boredom, I decided to give it another go, this time indoors at my house on my own treadmill.

With the Southern Miss basketball game tuned in on the radio, and notes for my comps ready to go, I was set to workout. I decided, nothing fancy, keep it simple and take it easy. I walked 4 minutes, then alternated 2 minutes running and 2 minutes walking until I got to three miles. Then I continued to walk until I got an hour of time in. There was some pain in my injured area, but nothing as significant as previous attempts. In fact it never got worse, and it only felt more intense when I would start back running after walking. It was a great workout, but I still wasn't overly excited. Perhaps I'm being hard on myself or something, I don't know. But running was hard! When I ran, I was 3-4 minutes slower per mile - 3-4 minutes! And I was winded! So, no I was not that excited. But, I wasn't deterred from trying again. And I knew I would need to make friends with the treadmill to make this happen. Someone mentioned that the treadmill is a great way to monitor my progress, while keeping myself from overdoing it as I come back from this injury. It also will keep me from getting stuck a mile or two from my house and not able to get back! So...I had a plan.

Sunday, just a walk, no need to get in too much of a hurry. Monday, just spin. Again, no hurry. Since Tuesday is a normal run day when I'm healthy, that was the day to try again. I wussed out on getting out of bed to do it before work because during this month off, I've learned how to sleep late again! Plus, I'm typically a little stiff in the injured area a little in the morning. So, at the last minute before I left for work this morning, I grabbed some running stuff just in case I decided to go to the gym instead of using my treadmill at home. Something about my home treadmill just isn't as appealing.

I ended up at the Payne Center on campus for my run because I figured I needed the distractions of the people, the TV's and some new scenery. I hopped on, started walking for 2 minutes and figured I'd do the alternating run 2/walk 2 deal again. I did that sequence once, and I decided to push it a little. I was feeling good so I decided to maybe go 4 minutes. For the first half mile or so, I toyed with different scenarios for the workout, and then decided to go for a half mile. There was hardly anything going on in my injured area, so I was

going to get while the getting was good. The pain did increase, but ONLY slightly so I kept running half miles and walking a tenth of a mile. I was listening to my body the whole time though, and although some things ached, I felt pretty good! I was able to run a bit faster, but still about 2 minutes off my usual comfortable pace. I wasn't breathing as hard as Saturday. My legs didn't feel like they were screaming like last Tuesday. And my injury wasn't barking back at me (just wimpering). I went in aiming for 3 miles, but went on to 4. For the first time in a month, I felt like myself. The one who runs!

I might regret this tomorrow, but for now, I'm going to enjoy it. I'm happy. I am making my return.

Running: Cheaper Than Therapy

Boy is that true! And boy have I missed my therapy! The last 25 days have made me crazy. Gone are the hopes that I will make a comeback before Houston, before New Orleans or some other race. Who cares about all that because now I just want to run! And last night, run I did. Well, it was something close to it, and I really can't be that excited about it because it wasn't without some of the pain that has sidelined me for so long. It also wasn't without heavy breathing and stiff, dead legs. It feels like I'm starting over. And after almost 4 weeks, I am!

I couldn't resist waiting anymore. I went out with intentions of stopping at the slightest bit of pain, which I knew would come. For the first part of the run, all I could think was "I'm running"! Then I started thinking, "this is hard"! My legs were in complete shock. Then the slight pain started creeping in, but I was listening to it. It never got worse, but it was enough to keep me at 2 miles. The term "run" is used loosely in this situation because it was slow, it involved some walking and it probably looked really ugly! The best news of the night was the pain wasn't too significant when I was walking, it never got worse and I was able to go back out with Molly after the run for 2 more walking miles. I'm nowhere near being back, and I might not try running again for a couple more days, but I'm on the mend. And that is ok with me for now.

After the run and the walk, I assumed the position on the heating pad. It really has been a big help for the pain. I don't know if I tore something, pulled something or just had severe inflammation because, well, I didn't see a doctor. But something in me says it was more than inflammation. I was on an anti-inflammatory, muscle relaxer, icing, resting, etc. and that really didn't bring any relief, but heating and resting did. I'm continuing those things, but I'm finally easing back into some exercise, which I really wasn't able to do much there for a while due to the pain. Any slight bit of movement, and I wouldn't be able to walk for days. Sadly, it will only be minimal running, more walking, biking/spinning and maybe I can get myself back in the gym to become friends with weights again.

During all of this, I have found some peace with the situation, but I have also discovered that walking is BORING!

Reflections for a New Year

Needless to say, 2011 ended on a disappointing note, at least for running. My injury, which is now in its 24th day, halted my total miles for the year at 1500 something as well as halting my goals of a PR or any time in the Houston marathon for that matter, which is now 2 weeks away. The good news, the injury better, and I'm finally walking with no pain. Next step is returning to running with no pain.

Despite the ending, 2011 was a great year for several reasons. I continued my success in graduate school and am now staring down my last semester and graduation in May. I had a great year of running, including a good marathon back in March. I also had some great training and have enjoyed working with a running coach since April. Of course there were a few up and downs toward the end of the year, but for the 9 years or so that I have been running, I am lucky to just now have any kind of injury. I had some personal positives as well, which made the end of the year so much better.

I could look at the beginning of 2012 as disappointing because as I type, I am sick and can't run. I typically start my new year off with a run but instead I'm popping meds for this cold. And today, like all previous days for the last few weeks, I am hoping today is the day I am able to walk all day pain free or run. Reading Facebook posts about new years runs, new years goals, etc leaves me feeling a bit lost and sad. However, it's day 1 of a new year, and I have 364 more days to accomplish any goals I might set. I do have some mileage goals in mind, a marathon time in mind and a few other things. So the start of 2012 is no different from the beginning of any other year, I have high hopes.