standing still

today was a blah day, with lots of rain, and a long stinking nap that has rendered me sleepless at midnight. luckily, i am off tomorrow, so sleep isn't overly important. however, it led me to facebook and the urge we all have to stalk. my browsing led me down a path i wasn't at all expecting. i thought i was just being nosey.

i won't go into details on what all was involved in my stalking, but as i've said before, 2009 was a tough year. i've been very fortunate in my now 37 years to not have that many tough times, so i've been trying lately to take it in stride and learn from it. i am learning from it daily. tonight, i realized i've been standing still for quite some time. not all came from this past year, but it certainly didn't help me to get moving again.

as i was lying here, listening to the rain, i started thinking that for a long time, i quit moving, almost quit living in some ways. i slowed down and started letting life pass me by. work, friends, training, my relationship with God. i also realized there were a lot of things i didn't want to do, but i still wished i was doing. for me, that's a strange place to be. to wish to get out and run, but not do it cause i hurt or just don't want to. to wish to go hang out with a group of friends, but not do it because i'm tired. to want to be at church, but find excuses not to go or fall back asleep. i have been standing still while life kept moving.

many of you reading my blog haven't known me but for a few years at most. i was a shy girl growing up and still have shy moments, but in college, i became larger than life. even in years after, i was often the center of a party, a group, a joke, laughter. in my older age, i've mellowed out, but i realized i have also shrunk. my personality is still there, but it lies quietly behind a wall. what built this wall? not one thing, but several. a collection of pieces over the last few years that instead of knocking down and moving on, i felt it easier to let them stack up. i can only assume that i felt letting them stack up wouldn't cause me any harm as i never had any issues before. all this time, i just thought i was growing older, changing interests, or something. i think if i'm wishing to do all these things i'm not doing, then i'm still the same me inside.

what to do now that i've had this midnight revelation? i don't know, but i can only hope and pray that now that i have realized that i've been standing still, i can start working on moving again. i don't expect to wake up tomorrow and go run a blistering tempo run, or start reading my Bible for an hour. let's face it, i've never been that motivated. i do expect to keep this realization on the forefront of my mind, and pray about it as often as i can.

you ask, what does this have to do with running and getting to boston? EVERYTHING! i can't be standing still to realize my goals.

run, for your life!